Healing Checklist for Postpartum Rage and Intrusive Thoughts
17 practical ways to start overcoming anger and scary thoughts!
Postpartum rage acted as untouched territory for me.
I had heard about postpartum depression. I even heard a bit about postpartum anxiety, but I never expected screaming at the top of my lungs five days out of the hospital.
It made me think, what the heck is wrong with me?
And I’m sure other moms have felt the same.
- Why am I so angry?
- Why do I resent my partner this much?
- Why am I extremely mad when the baby cries?
Oh Mama, you’re not alone. Perinatal rage has the audacity to make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
What is postpartum rage?
Postpartum rage goes one step above anger. It’s feeling so angry you explode with it, whether that is a physical outlet of anger or yelling with all of your might. Also, shame is a common companion to the outbursts of rage.
For example, a mom might yell at her newborn to stop crying and feel extremely guilty for doing so. The guilt is felt instantly and it feels all-consuming.
Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning there is an underlying feeling that we ignore when we feel angry. It is a reaction of feeling something else.
For instance, new moms may feel overlooked by their partners on what they are experiencing. Moms go through a massive physical change in order to bring life into this world, and some husbands don’t even say “thank you”! The feeling of being underappreciated bubbles up and becomes anger when the dishes pile up. Moms yell at their husbands for every little thing, except for letting them know how they feel disregarded.
It may coincide with other perinatal mood disorders, such as postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Anger is a major symptom in these mood disorders. Your whole life has just changed!
I know, for me, if I’m not in control, I get mad. I seek control, stability, and routine. Having a baby shook up my world no matter how beautiful my son and my new motherhood was.
What causes postpartum rage?
As I touched on previously, postpartum rage has many causes, such as a loss of control or feeling underappreciated.
Each mom’s postpartum experience is distinct. Therefore, so are the causes of her postpartum mental disorders.
That being said, let’s discuss the possible causes of postpartum rage. Remember that this isn’t an exhaustive list.
So why does it happen?
- Grieving the “old” you and your “old” life
- Disappointed in how friends and family are acting, in your birth experience, or in healthcare providers
- Loss of control
- Loss of a predictable routine
- Underlying postpartum depression or anxiety
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Isolated from friend groups, coworkers, or other social support
- Insecure about your ability to be a mom, wife, or a person
- Unsure of your identity anymore
- Mom guilt
Leading up to postpartum rage
Anger is a secondary emotion that derives from a number of things, such as frustration, disappointment, unmet expectations, hurt, or humiliation. The Gottman Institute refers to it as The Anger Iceberg.
Beneath my postpartum anger laid disappointment from my birth experience, hurt that I was suddenly separated from my son after his birth, and frustration that no one seemed to understand what I was going through.
It shouldn’t be ignored, too, that our hormones are out of control after childbirth. Your body is releasing every hormone it made during pregnancy, and it leaves you feeling like anyone but yourself.
Whether it’s a hidden emotion or an influx of hormones, postpartum rage is there. It’s valid. It’s real.
Did you know we have a FREE course on postpartum rage? Take it in under 30 minutes to become a pro on the signs, triggers, and treatment of postpartum rage.
Symptoms of postpartum rage
Postpartum mood disorders look different for every mom. (Have I said this enough, yet?)
For the most part, though, they share common symptoms. Some postpartum rage symptoms are listed below, but note that this does not include EVERY symptoms you may experience with postpartum rage.
Postpartum rage might also be a symptom of postpartum anxiety or depression. So be sure to recognize any symptoms of anxiety or depression in yourself, too, in addition to postpartum rage symptoms.
Related: 16 Symptoms of Postpartum Anxiety You Shouldn’t Ignore
1. Uncontrollable anger or short temper
2. Feeling like the anger comes out of nowhere or comes suddenly
3. Snapping at minor things or snapping abruptly
4. Screaming
5. Physically expressing your anger
Physical expressions of postpartum rage include:
- punching or hitting things
- throwing things
- crushing things up
- slamming doors
6. Violent thoughts toward loved ones
7. Feeling extreme guilt or sadness after the anger episode
8. Cursing more than usual
9. Ruminating on things that made you angry
10. Unable to “get over it” or stop being angry
11. Physical discomfort or pain
How does postpartum rage relate to postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety?
Postpartum mood and anxiety disorder (PMAD) is an umbrella term for these 4 usual disorders:
- Postpartum depression
- Postpartum anxiety
- Postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder
- Postpartum psychosis
Rage isn’t thought of as a PMAD since it is often a symptom of underlying depression or anxiety.
That being said, it should be treated as importantly as a PMAD. Postpartum rage impacts the entire family unit. And it can be scary to experience!
The more you know about it the better.
Related: 7 Reasons Everyone Should Understand Postpartum Anger
Why am I so angry at my husband after having a baby?
You’re not alone in wondering this!
A common question asked by new moms: why do I hate my husband after having a baby?
I screamed at my husband every night for 3 weeks! I would sit there, nursing my newborn, and yell at hubby for asking how he could help.
But I was mad at him for reasons I couldn’t pinpoint. In fact, he was the one who told me about postpartum rage.
How my husband handled my postpartum mental health
My husband is a gem. An absolute gem.
Throughout my birth trauma experience, he has been holding my hand. It recently hit me how unsupported he might have felt regarding my postpartum mental health, specifically perinatal rage.
We had a conversation one night about it all where he openly shared his perspective of being on the receiving end of my postpartum rage.
I asked him questions like:
- What did it feel like the first time I yelled?
- How did you know it was postpartum rage?
- Did you know how to help me? Or did you think of how we treat this?
- How honest were you with me about your feelings?
Read more of our conversation here!
How long does postpartum rage last?
Postpartum rage doesn’t have to last long. But it all depends on a number of factors: underlying mental health struggles, how willing you are to receive help, whether the birth was traumatic, and more.
So before you ask “how long can postpartum rage last”, think of how long you’re willing to let it last.
Seek help right away. The minute you notice symptoms of postpartum rage, postpartum anxiety, or postpartum depression.
The rage won’t go away on its own. If left untreated, symptoms will worsen.
Related: 35 Resources to Help Your Postpartum Mental Health
Mama, treating any mental health issue is a hard road, but it’s worth it to drive ahead.
Postpartum rage treatment
Treatment for postpartum rage looks different for everyone, but it’s extremely effective. It’s hard to believe things can get better, but I promise they will with the proper treatment!
So where do you start?
Support
Consult your healthcare provider or a mental health professional to start! If you’re not sure where to find these resources, grab this free list of 35 people who can actually help you in postpartum! Print My Postpartum Support Team to write out the names and contact information for everyone you might need in postpartum. Plus, there’s links that will help you find mental health professionals and the right healthcare provider for you!
Reach out to loved ones you trust and start having conversations about your anger. If you need help with the conversation, here’s a letter you can give them explaining postpartum rage.
Therapy
Therapy is a great way to treat postpartum rage, especially with a therapist certified in perinatal mental health. Find one here on Postpartum Support International.
It’s important that you find a therapist you are comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to try a few different ones if you’re struggling to find one that you click with! I promise — they won’t be offended.
Coping Skills
Coping skills can be an incredible tool in times of anger. However since anger affects our body so much (think clenched fists, red face, rapid heart beat), it’s important to have coping skills that are body-based.
The Body-Calm Kit is a mini-course built to help you quickly implement 15 body-based exercises to calm your postpartum rage, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. If you feel out of control in your own body, this is for you.
Keep scrolling to learn more!
For a free list of coping skills, grab the Healing Checklist!
Medication
Medication is also an effective treatment for postpartum rage, depression, or anxiety if necessary. Consult a medical professional if your mental health doesn’t seem right after baby.
Mom rage doesn’t have to consume you
It doesn’t have to be your whole story. There’s ways to heal and overcome your anger one day at a time. Using body-based methods could drastically reduce your rage in postpartum…and beyond.
If you’re ready to take that next step, grab The Body-Calm Kit today.
What was your postpartum experience? Did you suffer from perinatal mood disorders, too? Share with us in the comments below!
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This is sooooo important to talk about and bring awareness to.
Audrey, I agree!
YES! I know we kind of now are starting to recognize PPD but Rage/Anger was almost the worst for me with both my kiddos! Just angry all the time. I’m sure the lack of sleep but glad to know I’m not crazy! XOXO
Yes, Kindra, the rage is so so common yet not at all talked about!
Postpartum rage is so real! Thanks for writing about it.
It is, and it can be scary when you experience something you’ve never heard about!
Postpartum depression I knew about, but not postpartum rage! This explains a lot!
I’m a solo parent, and knew that I’d have to find support after I gave birth to my daughter. Someone to keep an eye on me in case I showed signs. Helped a lot!
Thank you for sharing, Sarah! People don’t really talk about the mental effects of being a solo parent either.
Thank you for sharing this. I didn’t experience rage, but I did experience depression. Back then, people were really talking about post partum mental health. I wish I had talked to my doctor about it. Thank you for getting the word out to new mamas.
It’s a hard conversation to have, but awareness needs to be spread about postpartum mental health!
Thank-you for sharing this! We need more light on postpartum and what it really is like in real raw ways! I truly appreciated what you wrote. As a Mama who had her baby under lock down measures from Covid 19…. I relate in many ways!
Thank you for sharing this! There are so many emotions you are dealing with postpartum and I think it’s easy for others to kind of discount how you are feeling. “Oh it’s just the hormones.” I love the tips you provided.
Sarah, I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Hormones are whack, but they aren’t the end all be all.
I’m not a mom and haven’t gone through childbirth, but I know that postpartum can be very rough. I’m going to keep this article for the future! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much Alyssa! If you are intending to be a mama, be sure to research all aspects of postpartum when you’re pregnant. It’s so important to prepare as much as possible!
This is helpful. Best wishes on your journey.
Thank you! The same to you 🙂